A long time ago, in this galaxy, a real bad guy named Sorass forged a couple of pearl earrings. They were simply gorgeous, 14karat gold each with a cultured freshwater pearl mounted on a hand-polished frame accented by two white onyx inlays. Well, needless to say the earrings made Sorass the undisputed heavyweight champion of his kingdom, and the surrounding kingdoms all the way to Mayberrykingdom. No one could challenge his power. But one day, Sorass left his earrings on the sink vanity in the bathroom of a former girlfriend. Sorass pounded his head, but still couldn't recall where he'd left them. Anyway, Sharongo promptly flushed them in a momentary flash of jealousy with her next bowel movement. It was not a pretty site, but I should tell you that the corn made the earrings less obvious. The kingdom's sewer system emptied into the great Lake Oraga which is present day Lake Ontario. Several hundred bazillions of years later, a small human by the name of Bob found the earrings, but they didn't match his complexion so he cast them back into the lake. Another bazillion years later, a small boy by the name of Rodo Mangoseed happed across one of them while digging at the shallow shore of Lake Ontario ... trying to find the source of those tiny bubbles. The ones that rise to the surface one bubble at a time, ten or twenty seconds apart.

What could they be? Is there air trapped under there? Perhaps from changes in tide? Or maybe frogs. Maybe frogs took a deep breath, then dug themselves underground there. Maybe a chemical reaction? Maybe methane or some kind of gas in the earth making its way to the surface?

Rodo straps on some goggles and a snorkel. He picks up a nearby torn milk carton and uses it as a shovel.

Maybe there's a hole there that leads underground to a place above the water line? Maybe? Maybe? -- Hey what's this?

Rodo pulls an earring up from the earth. Just then, Insanity Ted (Rodo's best bud) steps up holding an archer's bow in one hand and two arrows in the other.

Yo Rodo-- check this out!

Where'd you get those?

Hey, hold that thought you two.

What? Who said that?

Look I did my job, I got everyone up to speed, you guys take it from here. I've got a dental appointment.

Whatever man -- we don't need a narrator. That is so lame. I think we can handle our own story.

Insanity Ted -- who you talkin' to?

Oh forget it -- Whatchya got there?

An earring, I think.

An Earring? Forget that too. I got a bow and a couple of arrows -- I traded Arizona for 'em.

The state of Arizona?

Yeah, right -- like I even know where it is?

Out west someplace.

Whatever Rodster -- let's go shootin'.

You are truly insane.

Hmm, What should we use as targets?

It don't matter,

I got a soda can -- which is pretty small.

Don't matter.

Hey maybe that red jacket a yers?

Don't matter what we use -- we won't hit it anyways.

Is it that hard?

Haven't you tried yet?

Rodo bud, it hurts me that you even ask that. If you came runnin' with a brick and a half of firecrackers I wouldn't want you to have blown off even one before I got there.

I'm sorry Tedster, that's way cool of you. Thanks, and yes, I'm assumin' it's hard.

That elf guy never missed.

That was a movie, this is real.

Yeah right, Rodo Mangoseed lecturing me on what's real. Let me derail that train of thought before you EVEN get started -- take the darn bow.

So come on, you didn't actually trade the state of Arizona.

No, you dork. Arizona, that was the name of--

Oh yeah -- your snake.

Boa Constrictor, my dear Rodman.

Okay, I'm that elf guy, 'cause his two arrows lasted him all film.

Yeah but, this ain't Middle Earth.

Give me a break, I thought you were the one with the big imagination.

Anyway, take a look at my middle moon.

Quick! Quick! Give me an arrow, that's a target I actually might be able to nail.

Enough talk!

There -- on the Oak tree 10 yards down, hit that squirrel.

I don't want to hit an animal.

Don't worry, it's your first shot, you'll suck. The squirrel is safer than if you didn't aim at it.

(struggling) This is hard to pull.

You're doin' great - I think.

I'm not going to hit you buddy.

OOOOOOuuuuuch!

What? What?

The string hit my arm - ouch! It kills!

Crazed, you did great, but don't drop my bow next time.

I didn't get the squirrel, did I?

Yeah right. (aims up) Okay, my turn, I'm aiming for that lady bug on the third branch to the left.

You're an idiot.

Got it!

This ain't middle Earth and you ain't the elf guy.

Yeah I know, 'cause I'm out of arrows.

(in his best Terminator voice) I'll be back.

Hey, you're from that TV show, the Sopranos.

I am not.

Yes, you are. And that movie with Julia Richards too -- you were gay.

I believe you have me confused with some dashing, extraordinarily talented actor. Nope. Me, I'm a wizard.

Anyway, Wizard's aren't real.

Geeze, ain't you the tactful one.

Wizards are from story books and movies.

And just where do you think you're from?

What?

Look, enough small talk.

I've got an important mission for you.

A small positive contribution to the universe?

Yeah, something like that.

That movie, now the earrings --

You're being juvenile. Now listen, this is important. A long long time ago in a galaxy (stops himself and starts over). Wait, I mean, Back in olden times, a very bad evil character forged these earrings so that he could rule over all the land.

Was he all powerful?

Who?

The very evil guy.

What do you mean?

I mean, was he able to give the earrings power enough so that whoever wore them could conquer all the land.

Yeah, yeah now you're catching on.

But why would an all powerful being have to forge anything? If he had the power to make earrings so powerful, why didn't he just use that power to conquer everything and skip the whole jewelry bit.

What the earrings?

Yeah, why forge something -- why not just use his power to be powerful -- why do you need a thing? Seems to me he should have forged a sword or something with that gold.

Well, you've got to have the earrings -- couldn't have the story without them.

Why would an all powerful being care about a story? Wouldn't he be satisfied with conquering the world.

To heck with Sorass, I need there to be a story!

Okay Okay.

What would wizards say if there wasn't a good story?

I suppose they simply couldn't exist.

I could turn you into a toad, you know.

Sorry, Sorry.

You're just a human -- don't you try to out think a character in your story -- A wizard no less -- because young lad, you are nothing more than a character too -- a thought in your screenwriter's mind.

Wait, wait, what are you talking about?

Oh, sure, Mr. High and mighty, Mr. Look at me I'm Real. Mr. Logic is more important than story. Oh, the irony.

Irony?

Irony, you know, shocking reality of it all relative to circumstances.

I know what ironic is-- what's ironic?

Oh, you silly little bit of fiction. Did you think just being you was enough? Who in their right mind would traipse to the cinema, hand over 9 bucks, just to watch a character. The Irony, Rodo, is that just like wizards and demons -- you need a story as well. You are a slave to story.

Are you saying that I can't exist without a story?

Sad to say, alas, I am bound by the same chain.

So if I just stand here, don't say a word, think just for myself without getting all caught up in some larger plot--

Then you would cease to be.

So, wherever I am -- story is all around me?

Just like the oxygen you breath. You can't see it, but if it weren't there -- you'd grasp, reach out for nothing, then -- end

Wow, that's kind of --

Humiliating for you?

Yes -- that's exactly the word.

Oh, don't be such a proud little brat. Story's not a bad thing.

I agree, I like story just fine, but I don't like needing it for my own survival.

Come on, stop being so melodramatic, it's not a burden you know. You're lucky. Real people, they live completely without story -- you think they're happy? Truth is, though they have the freedom you crave -- you have the story they envy.

Oh, there's some more of that irony.

Sarcasm from a twelve year old -- (mocking) wonders never cease.

You mean, we, I, exist for their amusement.

Don't think of it that way. You are lucky! Some writer has spent a lot of time and energy to create a perfectly splendid story for you -- why don't you just relax and enjoy it. Those real people, they can only watch -- but you are in the story! You are part of it, and by the way, the story can't live without you either.

Gandolfini, I don't know. The whole idea makes me feel so bound -- what about Free Will and all of that.

Free Will?!! (chuckles heartily) That's a story for another time, young man. (deep sigh, smile) You and I, Rodo, we are lucky, truly lucky, carefully tailored around our entire lives, architected to our every whim and wonder -- a glorious story, larger and more fun than any amusement park you can imagine, because stories don't have to end. And even if they do, there's always dvd.

Alright, alright, so -- the earrings, what makes them so special?

Oh, I am so glad you asked, (readies himself for an enjoyable yarn). Sorass was a hideous being, feared by almost every living creature, but he was a man.

Yeah so?

How old are you?

Twelve.

And you haven't noticed?

What?

Women? Girls?

We're not going to have that discussion now are we?

No not that one. (shakes his head in annoyance at Rodo's silliness) Women -- they rule the world.

What? Not where I come from. All the world leaders and presidents are men and most of the CEO's too. And my mom says women get paid less for the same job. That bugs her.

Presidents -- Shemsidents. Oh, Rodo, it's not your fault, you're just a typical mortal man.

Not my fault?

You've fallen for it hook, line and sinker.

I have?

Women rule the world. They LET men be presidents and CEO's and even make more money -- because they know that all of that is superficial vanity.

What?

Oh, youíll understand more after puberty. The point is, anyone who puts these earrings on will immediately become a woman. And since all warriors are men, well, even the fiercest among them will become completely defenseless, and surrender on the spot.

So look, take this earring, keep it with the one you've found.

How'd you know about that?

I told you, I'm a wizard. Now look, it's absolutely crucial that we (you) bring them to the one place in all the world that can safely destory them.

Destory?

Destroy, destory, same thing.

Where's that.

Jersey.

Jersey?

Certainly, there's a guy I know, he melts down hot metals there.

Hot as in -- stolen?

You didn't hear me say that.

You are from the Soprano's!

Stop. (raises his index finger, then stands and puts the earrings case in Rodo's hands) Let's go.

Stop - Go. You, wizard guy, are ironic.

Gandolfini. Or if you're so inspired, feel free to call me the Great Gandolfini.

What about Insanity Ted? He's still looking for that arrow.

Where is your faith in good writing? You think your screenwriter is some hack? Don't worry, he'll show up near the end to help save the day.

Don't you have a car or a broomstick or something?

Mortals, you're so daft. Don't you know public transportation is so much more environmentally friendly?

We're going to take a bus to save the world?

Look out!

What? What?

(points) The horsemen.

How did they know we were here?

They can sense the presence of the earrings.

If they can "sense the presence," kindly tell me how our "hiding" behind something will trick them?

Oh, come on, just play along.

Gallager, I--

(perturbed) Gandolfini!

Yeah, Gandolfini, if they can suss us out among all the cities near NY, how in the world is this Starbuckles dry-wall going to slow them down?

Don't worry.

Why shouldn't I worry? They're huge. They're on horses. They've got knives bigger than me. What am I supposed to do? Toss these earrings at them.

Don't worry about the horsemen, they're just special effects, they can't hurt anyone.

Well, they look pretty darned real to me.

I'm putting, putting these earrings on.

NO!!!!

God, you know, I really shouldn't, but I'm dying for a Latte.

Tall? Large? Grande?

Isn't there a small?