Bounteously bold, gorgeous, video-game-esque battle sequences are placed like decadently rich chocolate chips in this huge sugarless cookie of a film that over bakes the pan.

Threads made of board-game rules, special effects and the backbone of Tolkien's successful book of the same name sow this "hobbits & wizards vs. evil" yarn. Surface deep dialogue offers little for more mature audiences. And while kids may be entranced with this journey that never seems to end both figuratively and literally, they may nod off between bouts.

Forged many hundreds of years prior, a set of golden rings were given to rulers of the land; however, one ring was made in secret ... the ring to rule over all the others. A satanic like being used the ring's strength to win war after war ... but then, somehow, the ring got lost. (That gone-missing bit is rather glossed over.) Anyway, soon enough a young hobbit named Frodo from the Shire (a woodsy place of hyper-happiness) inherits the ring and its burdens already boiling near. Elijah Wood (oddly reminiscent of Michael Landon in "Little House on the Prairie") is Frodo. Then, with the spirit of the slain ring forger becoming strong enough to almost take form, the evil beings, neither dead nor living (but pretty intimidating with swords and horses) set out to nab that ring back.

Frodo, forced to journey out of the Shire, battles the bad guys (of free style evil form) with his own band of mystically medieval allies: an archer, a wizard, a warrior dwarf, etc. Occasionally taking pause to banter about strategy, half of the film displays this "fellowship of the ring" journeying about vast landscapes encountering undefeatablely evil beings and then defeating them. In fact, the 'journey, encounter evil, destroy evil' sequence loops often enough to dilute itself.

Among the onslaught of computer effects, some very impressive ones grace screen. Fireworks explode into the skeletal image of a flying dragon then dive inches over the heads of ducking hobbits, water horses create a raging river, an awesome octopus attacks, Gollum's eyes glow alluringly, a good wizard stands against a huge carbon beast on a precariously brittle bridge. These are all visually spectacular, but, like high sugar candy, won't sustain the viewer through a 2.5-hour plus production. Some substance takes hold in the ring's desire to be found by its master. Now, there's some drama. Further, while longing for the master, the ring is perfectly content to draw any wearer into the darkside of its master's reign. Hence, whenever the ridiculously innocent, pure as snow, Frodo slides the ring onto his own finger ... bam, he disappears from reality and enters the surreal world of darkness (created hauntingly well here).

It's definitely an epic undertaking, long with intermittent brazen fight scenes, sort of an "Apocalypse Now Junior." Unfortunately, and unlike Coppola's masterpiece, the most profound thing about LOTR is its length. I had to use the restroom at the two-hour mark, and frankly enjoyed the break. Nor does LOTR deliver a payoff to its patient audiences.